Day 272 - Vampire in the sun

My breath acts the part of startled, miniature ghosts. Jumping from my mouth every 3 seconds or so. My hands are stiff. I'm married to the nearly wet warmth between my scarf and lips. There's a slight breeze and it's razors line my finger tips. It's only been a half mile and I am already over winter.

I'm nestled into the warmth of a local restaurant. Remembering how the 18 year old me would've already been writing about how 'disconnected and indifferent' I can be. Hell, the 25 year old would've written that. Who am I fooling? Up until 40, I would've been writing that very same umbrella sentiment. It might have been veiled in a more obtuse way. Prettied up and candied, or viciously violent and lamenting.

And here's the part where I tell you that the man from those days has died. And in many grand ways, that's true. But it's more important for me to tell you (and myself) that the deep, undeniable darkness isn't dead. It merely lays dormant in me. Even with the light of therapy, sobriety, true love, focus, and medication. It would be a lie if I told you that my darkness was a vampire. That it was murdered by exposing it all to the sun. I have done that. With all of the darkness in me. I fully opened my book. And the bloodsucker just won't die. And that's fine, because now I have room for him.

I share this for those of you out there that may think I have been miraculously cured. That I am nothing but rainbows, puppies, and good tidings. In many, many ways, that is how I am. A freed man, most certainly. But I am absolutely not unilateral. The other dimension very much sits there. Peeking out from behind a corner. It's eyes dead and intentions miserable. My strength, however, comes from appropriating the correct tools to handle the little fucker. I've worked incredibly hard at it. And I've had overwhelming support in that battle.

What the fuck is my point?

Do yourself a favor. If you suffer from anything similar, don't ignore a single element of who you are. Face it head on. Accept that you might not be able to win for one day here and there. But for God's sake, don't ignore it. Doing that landed me dead once. And nearly twice. Shit's gonna keep coming, man. Always. Be alert, aware, and confident. It's the only way to make sure it stands no long term chance.