Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Day 913 - Dear Emilia, I love flying with you.

They are all eating a continental breakfast. Everyone on my side of the plane, at least.

It appears to be a hyper-sugared granola

a couple of pastries that look like the two guys that thought they were gonna get there but at 5AM are merely commiserating as they arrived. Alone, together.

There's an out of place assortment of grapes straight from the hands of the Romans that sold Vesta for a couple of acres of Monsanto's land.

A flute of milk. Wait. Yes, that's accurate.

Everyone is eating it.

Everyone but me.

I'm reading about the dragon lady from Game Of Thrones. A show I don't like. And the opening of the article yells about Emilia the Dragon Lady cruising the Santa Monica Pier in an Air-Conditioned SUV, dressed in pastels from Prada and American Apparel. And I have a glass of water. Not plastic, glass. Actually, a goblet. A Goblet Of Water with the goddamn Dragon Lady in pastels in an AC'd SUV on the Santa Monica Pier.

I am First Class.

First time ever. On my 100th flight. I counted last night when I couldn't sleep. Business class a ton. Economy even more. Never First.

My brother flies frequently for work. So he passed along his frequency to me, because I am too poor to afford any ticket. So I go, from Massachusetts to Arizona.

My brother moved to Arizona in 2004. But I'm not going to see him. Though he's my one of my favorite people, ever. I'm flying first class, to Chicago, then Phoenix, to see my parents. They moved to Sun City West in September of 2012. Now it's July 2015. And Emilia and I are flying to see them. Well, my Mom specifically. The Dragon Lady is driving the SUV to the desert from The Pier. She's completely dolled to the teeth in pastels, on route to see my Mom with me and my Goblet Of Water.

Because my Mom has cancer.

I don't want continental breakfast. I have another early flight. It also serves breakfast. I ordered it anyway, though. Because I decided to give it away. No, not to some veteran in the back. Or some wayward-looking, gaunt child in 32C. Just to some unsuspecting gent who is awake.

"You hungry?"

"I am, actually"

He has a Kansas City Chiefs jersey on. His early onset grey glinting in the checkered sunrise that shoots through the only open window shade. Everyfuckingbody else back here is asleep.

"I don't want this. Do you?"

"Sure, thanks!"

I turned to walk back to my seat and quietly



"Can't you get in trouble for this?"

"Oh yeah!"

"And you're not worried?"

I took a fairly deep breath, for me.

"Worried? Emilia the pastel wearing, dragon racing, cancer killing, SUV driving beauty can't be stopped. She gave me a goblet of water. And to you? Monsanto's Namesake."

His face was predictably crooked.

Pretty sure I'm getting no-fly-listed when we land.

Worth it.

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Saturday, August 22, 2015

Day 889 - NEW SONG!

New song alert!

A VERY ROUGH mix of a new song from the forthcoming *White Flood* record. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN FOR FREE!

Recorded by Joel Stroetzel.

Mark Schwaber - throat, guitars, bass, drums

Joel Stroetzel - keyboards

Remember, there's still a lot of work to do on this one, sonically. Hope you enjoy!

All shares and comments are GREATLY appreciated!


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Friday, August 21, 2015

Day 888 - 15 years of sound

Hi all,

I finally have one place that houses nearly all of the music (of my own) that I made for the 15 years between 1993-2008.

CLICK HERE to access all of these things, cheaply.

home. - my band from 1993-1995. For the first time ever, the original 5 song demo and another 8 previously unreleased songs are now available at this site, and only at this site! A mere $9.99!

hospital. - my band from 1996-2001. I made a compilation of songs from our 2 releases, hospital. (1996) and 16 Endings (1999). Only $6.99!

My 3 solo albums - Two Years And Thirty Minutes (2004 - $7.99), The Killing Card (2006 - $7.99), and the previously unreleased Those You Trust (2008 - $9.99)

Any and all support is so greatly appreciated!

Keep an eye out for a round of shows this Fall, I'd love to see you all out and about.


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Sunday, April 05, 2015

Day 748 - Preview from "White Flood"

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Day 730 - 2 years

2 years clean and sober today.

2 years ago today, I was on the 4th floor at Cooley Dickinson. It was my first full day without any alcohol in my system in slightly over a month. I weighed 146 pounds (195 today), had trouble walking, and would shake for a good 3 weeks after that. It was my 2nd time in exactly 1 year that I hadbeen in this position. This time, I had decided to kill myself with it. I did not want to die, but I just couldn't take the physical and emotional pain any longer. The 1st time this happened, I barely survived. I would make sure I didn't survive this one.

I was a decimated shell.

After a turn of events that allowed me to see that I wasn't nearly as alone on this earth as I thought, I was granted the opportunity to truly face myself. My entire self. And it was not easy. I had to fight every single moment, for nearly a month, just to keep from breaking down in tears all day. 6 or 7 times a day was bad enough.

I still get sad. About things I no longer have, about the experiences that are now just distant moments. Sad about the fact that the last 3 years might as well have been 15. Sad that I seemingly lost Scooter a set of lifetimes ago. Today is one of those days. Today, I am sad.

I say this because invariably, these days happen to everyone. No matter their path. It's the one web we all share. Suffering.

And here's the rub.

In my wildest, most fragmented heart, I find a deep unadulterated beauty in that. It makes me smile. It makes things warm, safe, and whole. Not at all because I am somehow happy that others deal with this shit too, that's not it at all. This is an individual peace. One that comes from a place that maybe only a few of us that are crazy enough to ride the ride to the edge can appreciate.

I promise you this. No matter what you're worried about. Seriously, no matter what it is, I promise you this. You will BE.

Yes, you will BE.

And for this realization, I am forever grateful.

I love the bitter, gorgeous, stagnant, vivid, annoying, hilarious, fucked up, wondrous, pathetic, beautiful ride that I am on. With so many people that I so deeply love. And I love how deeply appreciative I am for all of those that love me the same way, in turn. And I love all of the stunning music, art, film, and books that I get to be surrounded by. I get to create. All the time. And I love watching sports with people I love. And I get to share my story with small groups of those in the midst of deep, dark suffering. Weekly. Nothing I have would be possible if it were not for the subject matter of this paragraph. Nothing.

I don't ever plan on moving forward in life. I don't like that thought. Never have. That 'onward and upward' thing. It's not for me. I love the circles. Concentric and overlapping. I love that I get to float around here, in this mortal coil, for a bit.

That's why it is OK that I am sad today. And it's OK if you are too.

Just BE.

I'll see you in one of the circles.

All love, always.


PS - I don't have any answers, but I definitely have a conversation. If you need, don't hesitate. My door (message box) is always open.

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Monday, March 09, 2015

Day 772 - That one time, at band camp.

All three of my solo records (including the previously unreleased "Those You Trust") are now available for the first time ever, on this website.

Just click here for the Bandcamp page!


Sunday, March 01, 2015

Day 714 - Those You Trust