2 years clean and sober today.
2 years ago today, I was on the 4th floor at Cooley Dickinson. It was my first full day without any alcohol in my system in slightly over a month. I weighed 146 pounds (195 today), had trouble walking, and would shake for a good 3 weeks after that. It was my 2nd time in exactly 1 year that I hadbeen in this position. This time, I had decided to kill myself with it. I did not want to die, but I just couldn't take the physical and emotional pain any longer. The 1st time this happened, I barely survived. I would make sure I didn't survive this one.
I was a decimated shell.
After a turn of events that allowed me to see that I wasn't nearly as alone on this earth as I thought, I was granted the opportunity to truly face myself. My entire self. And it was not easy. I had to fight every single moment, for nearly a month, just to keep from breaking down in tears all day. 6 or 7 times a day was bad enough.
I still get sad. About things I no longer have, about the experiences that are now just distant moments. Sad about the fact that the last
3 years might as well have been 15. Sad that I seemingly lost Scooter a set of lifetimes ago. Today is one of those days. Today, I am sad.
I say this because invariably, these days happen to everyone. No matter their path. It's the one web we all share. Suffering.
And here's the rub.
In my wildest, most fragmented heart, I find a deep unadulterated beauty in that. It makes me smile. It makes things warm, safe, and whole.
Not at all because I am somehow happy that others deal with this shit too, that's not it at all. This is an individual peace. One that comes from a place that maybe only a few of us that are crazy enough to ride the ride to the edge can appreciate.
I promise you this. No matter what you're worried about. Seriously, no matter what it is, I promise you this. You will BE.
>Yes, you will BE.
And for this realization, I am forever grateful.
I love the bitter, gorgeous, stagnant, vivid, annoying, hilarious, fucked up, wondrous, pathetic, beautiful ride that I am on. With so many people that I so deeply love. And I love how deeply appreciative I am for all of those that love me the same way, in turn. And I love all of the stunning music, art, film, and books that I get to be surrounded by. I get to create. All the time. And I love watching sports with people I love. And I get to share my story with small groups of those in the midst of deep, dark suffering. Weekly. Nothing I have would be possible if it were not for the subject matter of this paragraph. Nothing.
I don't ever plan on moving forward in life. I don't like that thought. Never have. That 'onward and upward' thing. It's not for me. I love the circles. Concentric and overlapping. I love that I get to float around here, in this mortal coil, for a bit.
That's why it is OK that I am sad today. And it's OK if you are too.
I'll see you in one of the circles.
All love, always.
PS - I don't have any answers, but I definitely have a conversation. If you need, don't hesitate. My door (message box) is always open.
Labels: AA, addict, addiction, alcoholic, alcoholism, disease, hope, NA, recovery, unity